Suicidal Thoughts

I have suffered from daily suicidal thoughts for the past 18 years.

It is so hard living day to day with constant thoughts about killing yourself. Even on good days, these thoughts plague my mind. On good days they are like whispers or annoying flies you can swat away. During a depressive episode, these thoughts are extremely severe and dangerous. You are battling yourself, your own mind, to stay alive. I do NOT want to die. But it is tiring to have to continously convince yourself that the thoughts aren’t your true desires.

My thoughts can be as simple as “I wish I was dead”. They can be as extreme as a detailed plan. Most of my thoughts include suffering or torture. Sometimes, I imagine having a gun and shooting myself in the bath, driving a car off a bridge onto the freeway, handcuffing myself to the bottom rung of the ladder in the deep end of a pool.

But mostly my thoughts are about bleeding to death or overdosing. I have also been a self-injerer for 18 years. My method is cutting and my preferred area is my forearms. As of this post, I haven’t cut for about 2 months, but the thoughts are still there. Self-injury isn’t about taking your life, it’s about trying to survive. But since the act is so close to a method of suicide, it remains an option.

My main plan though involves overdosing. I have a lot of prescription drugs, but I do not ever want to abuse them. So my plan is to use over-the-counter drugs; not prescriptions. I would be more detailed, but I do not want to be responsible for giving anyone any ideas. These are just my thoughts; not my desire.

This past week has been extremely difficult for me. I have been depressed and my thoughts are really bothering me. I am trying my hardest to survive this depressive episode. I know it tends to last about 2 weeks, so I hope that I can cope on my own till it ends.

People don’t understand how difficult it is to have these thoughts. It’s not like I can turn them off. I have to remind myself of all the good in my life. But thoughts do affect feelings. So the thoughts alone make me more depressed. And then sometimes, I just want to give in to end the pain and the thoughts. It’s a constant battle; one that I might have to fight for the rest of my life. My T and Pdoc say that I will probably always have these thoughts, but through therapy and utilizing coping skill it will get easier to live with.

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