Healthy Self-Talk When Angry

Excerpt From When Anger Hurts : Quieting the Storm Within

Personal Responsibility

  • “I’m responsible for taking care of my own needs.”
  • “I’m responsible for what happens to me.”
  • “I’m responsible for doing something about my pain.”


  • “People never do what I think they should, only what’s rewarding and reinforcing for them.”
  • “Shoulds are my needs and values pushed on someone else.”
  • “People do what they need to do, not what the should do.”
  • “I can’t expect people to act the way I want them to.”
  • “People don’t do what I think they should, only what their values and needs dictate.”

Entitlement Fallacy

  • “I am free to want, but s/he is free to say no.”
  • “I have my limits, and others have their limits. I have a right to say no, and so do they.”
  • “Others are not obliged to meet my expectations.”

Fallacy of Fairness

  • “Our needs are equally important.”
  • “Each need is legitimate. We can negotiate as peers.”

Fallacy of Change

  • “The amount of support, help, and nourishment I am now getting is all I can get, given the strategies I am now using.”
  • “People will change only when they are reinforced to change and capable of change.”
  • “People change only when they want to, not when I want them to.”

Conditional Assumptions

  • “When they disappoint me, it doesn’t mean they don’t care.”
  • “Our biggest task, no matter how much we love, is to take care of ourselves.”
  • “His or her needs are as legitimate as mine.”
  • “We can negotiate.”

Letting It All Out Fallacy

  • “Anger won’t get me what I want.”
  • “I can protect myself by saying it assertively.”


  • “Everyone chooses his or her highest good.”
  • “Everyone makes the best choice possible.”